The Movie Ted

5 Jul

So that new movie Ted looks insanely hilarious! Though as a single mom the chances of actually going to the movies is very slim, let alone to one that is of an adult content. I usually end up waiting until it comes out on DVD and I either buy it or red box it. This one afternoon my daughter and I were watching TV together, like always together. The show we were watching went to a commercial and of course the trailer for the movie Ted came on. The second I saw it I instantly cringed because I knew what was coming next except I wasn’t ready. Moms are always prepared for ANY situation with their clever one word answers that need no explanations, their snarky tone that warns the child they are too close to “the line”, and witty explanations that really just spin the child in a circle ultimately confusing them into dropping the subject; all the while doing it with a smile. I chuckled at the funny parts of the trailer absentmindedly; enjoying the commercial yet feeling concerned. I searched for the remote which ALWAYS seems hidden when you need it most, like when cute cuddly bears are drinking beer and when you push the power button on the TV and the volume is BLARING and instead of just pushing the button again, you run around like a freak with your arms in the air trying to find the remote. ANYWAY … did I mention how dang cute that bear is, I want one and his exact size too!! LOL SORRY back to the story … Now I cannot imagine any parent or adult that would take a young child to see this movie, maybe I am being overly cautious I don’t know. However, children are very impressionable, innocent (to an extent), and naïve which makes them gullible by nature. Allowing them to see something they think is cute and adorable doing so some very questionable things could have some repercussions right? I mean do I REALLY want my daughter to think that her stuffed animals can come to life and more importantly do I want her to see pot smoking, the bear driving, drinking, and hanging out with hookers? I can see it now, of course at the most inopportune moment and very loudly, “Mommy what is a hooker?” or worse when she starts 1st grade and they have that “get to know you” circle time where everyone talks about their summer and then BAM it comes out. “Mommy took me to see Brave, Madagascar 3 OH and we saw that teddy bear movie Ted. It was so funny he crashed a car and kissed a girl” FML!

So here is how that conversation went down:

*Commercial comes on, my kid is rolling around on the floor, humming to herself and then she sees Ted. She instantly sits up, focused, and giving her undivided attention to the TV*

Child: awww how CUUUUTE! WOW I can’t wait to see that! *she pauses as she hears me laugh at a part in the trailer and so she laughs as well. Now every parent KNOWS their kid and their methods of manipulation to get their way and so my daughter repeats herself so I get the hint* I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THAT *much louder now*

Me: HUH?! *I finally realize the movie’s content, she’s there, it’s on the TV and she’s watching* What? Noooooooo …. WE are NOT going to go see THAT. I might …. But you? Noooooo … NO .. sorry

Child: Whhhhhyyyyyy? *Long drawn out whine. I never understood why kids did that. Was it a way to annoy moms so bad that we give in to make them shut up? Or perhaps it’s innocent and simply the child’s way of expressing their frustration with a parent’s verdict; either way it’s annoying!*

Me: Just … because *a mother’s greatest comeback that fits into EVERY conversation and usually doesn’t require follow-up justification*

Child: Because whhhhhyyyyy moooom? *she lengthens her whines as I furrow my brow* It’s about a Teddy Bear! He’s so cuuuuuuute!!! *her voice at the end gets very high-pitched and she makes cute cuddly gurgling noises*

Me: No …  noooooo…. it’s not! NO! *I deepen my tone to sound serious and absolute*

Child: YES!! It is … LOOOOOOK  *she stands up and stomps over to the TV. She points at Ted and glares back at me like I am an idiot for saying that Ted is NOT a Teddy Bear. To a child that is what the real conversation and fight is about. She sees a movie about a teddy bear, I see all the bad stuff and all she hears is mom saying that is not a teddy bear*  SEEEEEEEEEE *she says it with confidence because she knows she’s right, I am looking right at it and FOR ONCE she can prove to mom that mom is wrong*

Me: *I pause; I don’t know what to say or how to explain it so my 6-year-old can understand. You know, we really need one of those tiny handbooks for moms that you can just whip out with a snap of a finger when caught in a tricky situation.*

What seems to me as the pause of a lifetime is a mere second or two as all of it happened so very fast. My daughter stands there, waiting for me to admit defeat and say she’s right, STILL pointing at the damn bear; she looks back at the TV. I too look at the TV and it is at that exact moment in the trailer when the bear and some chick totally start making out!!!

I am MORTIFIED! Calgon take me away!!!

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